When people tell me that I'm brave for doing a homebirth, I know that they mean well, which is why I am not confrontational with them. But honestly, a girl can only take so much. While someone may mean it as a compliment, it can easily be taken as an insult, because more often than not, telling someone that they are brave usually can only be interpreted as:
Wow, you are so brave... I could never do something like that.
To which I want to say:
"Oh really? Why is that?"
Well, because it hurts more and it's not as safe, right?
Actually, no.... it is more often than not quite the opposite.
I am not birthing at home because I want to show everyone just how tough I am, and I am not trying to make any kind of point.
******
What's even more irritating is when someone tells me:
"Well, I just want to have my baby in the hospital just in case something happens and there's an emergency."
Here's how I see the conversation playing out in my head (which is far from what really happens):
Me: "Oh, you know, with all this planning that I did for my home birth, I guess I completely forgot about the fact that something might happen. It didn't even occur to me, I guess I will do a hospital birth then. Thanks for enlightening me."
*or*
Me: "So either you think that I don't love my baby as much and I am willing to put him at risk by having a home birth, or you think that I'm a complete idiot by not taking advantage of all of the medical advances of the time, ensuring a safer birth, right?"
*or*
Me: "Oh, is this from all the research that you have done on the pros and cons to hospital and home births? Or is this just what you think is better because everyone does it? Just like how everyone chooses to enjoy the occasional fast food lunch... because it's not bad for them either, right?"
Here's the reality:
To birth at home requires planning. Lots and lots of planning. It takes initiative. It takes courage to go against the social norm for reasons that you know are best for you. It takes making your own decisions, and not letting others make it for you. It takes prayer. It takes telling people what you want and not being told. It takes doing lots of your own research, from weighing the pros and cons to hospital birth, to finding the right caregiver, to choosing who you want to attend the birth, to what kind of home birth you want (because there are many), and much more.
I am not blogging to tell you all the reasons why I chose a home birth over a hospital birth, because I would end up writing a book, and you need to do your own research (but if you want I can provide some insight, just let me know). I am blogging to tell you that I made this choice based on completely educated and meditated decisions. To completely disregard someone's informed decision just because you think it's not the best option, even though you've done no research of your own, is insulting at best.
Just so everyone knows, I did not always want a home birth. I grew up always wanting a hospital birth with an epidural and everything. Only recently, when Chris and I began thinking about having children, did I begin doing my own research and finding that the best birth option for me was not in the hospital.
With that being said, I believe hospitals are absolutely wonderful when they are necessary. We are blessed to live in a time where we have such medical advances. The problem is relying too heavily on these medical advances that we completely lose faith in our own bodies to do what they were divinely designed to do.
If you want a hospital birth, or have had a hospital birth, great. I am not going to tell you that you are brave, or that you are stupid, because I trust that you made your own educated and informed decisions as to what was best for you and your baby. All I ask is that you in return respect the educated and informed decision that others make to have a home birth.
For everyone who is curious, women who chose home births love to talk about why they chose it. If you want to know why I chose a home birth, ask! Just don't tell me that I'm brave :)
Julene,
ReplyDeleteI don't know what else to say but Amen.
I have recently been doing interviews for my future VBAC class, and even with asking the questions very tactfully and as sensitively as I can, all the women have gotten a bit defensive. I was impressed when one woman said, "You know, I know you aren't attacking me, but I have never been in a position of having to defend why I had my cesareans before. I am sorry if I seem a little stand offish".
I felt for her because I have been put in the position of defending homebirth or natural birth how many times? How many times have I gotten those comments? How many times have I heard second or third hand how people have talked about me behind my back in regards to my birth decisions? Too many to count. It sucks.
If life were fair, we'd never have to defend a choice to do anything different because we (well, most homebirthers and NCB advocates - there are always bad apples) aren't bad mouthing our sisters who choose, or are forced, to birth in an institution, medicated, or surgically. In fact, we more than see how and why most of those situations happen and understand rather than judge.
But life isn't fair. Thankfully, when you have made the right decision for you, you can live peacefully even amidst the complisults and explanibrags and down right direct slams.
You are doing awesome, Julene! And have I mentioned I miss you? We are having a Ben dinner tomorrow - we will have 2 empty seats for you guys.
Well then I am curious I do natural at the hospital but that is because of my first delivery and having her rushed to the NICU otherwise I probably would have them at home so why are you choosing home birth...and honestly its not that painful... lol esp when you get to hole your miracle for the first time and realize what an amazing accomplishment you just achieved and the prize you won!
ReplyDeleteWell miss Bizzie Baby :) I like your insight! Like I said in my post, I could write a book about why I chose home birth over hospital (and there are many books out there already! You should read "Pushed"). But basically, and without citing source after source (because if you are serious about it you will do your own research anyway), I have many many reasons for choosing a home birth. Overall, I want to birth in a peaceful environment, with only people that love me, know me, and will believe in me and my body every step of the way present (No doctors rushing in and out, nurses telling me what to do, etc). With home births, your husbands are better able to play an active role in the labor and birth, and people aren't telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Everyone respects the instincts of the mother laboring and does not get in her way unless absolutely necessary. I want to be completely comfortable and relaxed during birth (because that makes for a less painful, and many times less difficult, labor)... and what better place to be relaxed than in your own home, in an environment that you can control? I don't want to have to lay down in a bed to labor (which is actually one of the worst possible positions to labor in) if I don't want to. I want to have the choice to move around, make as much noise as I want, and do my own thing, without anyone telling me what to do. I also love the idea of having midwives over OB's. Many people think that midwives are just simply a random woman who can catch babies. That can't be farther from the truth! They go through tons of schooling and medical training, and become quite literally birth experts, whereas OB's are first and foremost trained surgeons. Many of the natural techniques midwives are taught that help fix birthing problems (from breech birth to baby not breathing) become a lost art in the hospital. As a result, the OB's answer to most problems is to just cut you open and perform a C-section, which results in tons more risks. I know that my midwives will only take me to the hospital if absolutely necessary, and if they know that nothing on their end can be done. Most times, however, midwives know the warning signs for potential problems, and can fix them before they even become an issue.
ReplyDeleteI can go on and on, but you can get the idea I think. If you are still interested, I HIGHLY recommend you watch "The Business of Being Born" and "Pregnant in America". Both are amazing and very eye opening documentaries that do a wonderful job of exposing many of the pros and cons to hospital and home births. You will love them!
Ahh, Julene. Thank you ever so much. Sometimes I get frustrated when I hear people are doing a medical model hospital birth because I feel like if they really knew what they were choosing, they wouldn't be choosing it. Sigh. But if I want people to assume the best of me with natural/home birth, then I should assume the best of people with medical hospital birth. Even if it's hard, haha.
ReplyDeleteLove it! You would love the facebook page "Not brave, not crazy, just educated."
ReplyDeleteOr, it could be that those people who want to have their birth in a hospital are merely telling you how they want to do it. But, you know...its important as a homebirth supporter to use every opportunity to ruthlessly judge others and get pissed off for no reason.
ReplyDeleteI support homebirth because the kitchen is at home, not at a hospital and everyone knows the woman belongs in the kitchen.